LETTERS FROM THE PAST Part 1

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Dear MaMa

I know when you get this you will be shocked, after all I am only seven in your time now! But I am writing this from the future and I am actually in my 40s mama! And a mammy of four gorgeous children – the you that you are then would love being their granny… but that’s why I’m writing to you mama  because today I had to make a final decision, a decision that I have made before but went back on. A decision which has torn me apart and broken my heart beyond any comprehension.

I was thinking how I would love the future me to write me a letter and tell me if I am doing the right thing, what will be the outcome? Then I remembered, you had to make a decision too, a decision that could have changed everything and could mean that I would never have think about making my difficult decision today – so I’m writing to you to tell you to change your mind, be brave, walk away from that abusive and emotionless “pig” that controls you, that hurts you, that hurts us – your children.

I can imagine your dilemma; I can feel your fear. Where will you go? What if he finds you? He said he will always find you, he said you’d never manage with no money, he said he’s the only one that will love you and you’ll never manage, he said we (your children) will hate you, he said there was no point in trying to find a new house because he will find you and he will burn it all on the ground .. and you….and us.

Mama I know you are scared, I know you are unsure, so am I then mama – so frightened. We know what he can do, we know he will try and do it – he is unpredictable and maybe you think well then it’s better to stay, maybe he will stop, maybe you are over reacting, maybe we are better off having a father , he goes to work and earns a keep, it doesn’t happen every day – it was probably your fault, maybe he was right and you were nagging him, maybe he’s right we were making noise on purpose to annoy him or maybe I did smirk at him – NOOOOOO Mama – you are so wrong – HE WILL NOT STOP, HE WILL GET WORSE, HE WILL HURT YOU, HE WILL HURT US, HE IS NOT RIGHT, YOU DID NOTING WRONG, WE DID NOTING WRONG, YOU WILL LOSE YOURSELF and now mama YOU HAVE LOST US. There are people who will help you, when you are reading this you know this, you must know you have family, you have friends, people will support you – you are strong and we want you to do this so badly, save yourself mama, save us

I have to think of my own family now – I have to think safety, security, love and care. I have to keep them from him….. what I’ve struggled to accept is I have to keep them from you too- not the you that you are when you are reading this letter – my beautiful, gentle, loving and caring mama , my mama  who makes decisions and is fun and feeds and clothes me, I have to keep them from what you have become – what he has made you.

You are just a shell now, you are not yourself, you get everything muddled up, you are a tool for him in his little evil game of manipulation and his web of lies. He knows people love you and not him, he has been grinding you down for decades – he’s hurt you in ALL those ways mama and I know, I heard, I seen and I felt.

The times I jumped from my sleep and hear the noises start, the shouting the roaring, then the bangs and then the screams, I get my system going I get my little brother and sister and bring them into my bed and tell them it’s ok, I get them to sing or read out loud …. But they hear too, they are scared too, they cry and I want to make it ok for them, I don’t want them to feel like me, I have to make it better for them. They follow me to the floor listening to the floorboards when it goes quiet to make sure we can hear your voice – to make sure this time isn’t the time he kills you – we are scared mama  – we need you. They follow me to the top of the stairs we are all holding our breath, I am shaking to the core, literally wobbling around the corner of the top of the stairs, I am afraid to breathe. I peer round and I see, I don’t know what comes over me, I’m not scared, I’m angry, my face is hot with rage and tears. I hate him, he can’t do this to you, he can’t hurt my mama . I scream and I’m at the bottom of the stairs in a few steps, I launch myself on him and the throws me off and I push and pull and bite and the grabs me by the throat and you get up and run. He’s holding me there by the throat 3ft of the ground against the wall, he is shouting in my face and his stinking spit splatters round my face, I can’t hear him, I don’t care, I hate him, I love you, you are safe. He drops me and storms out the front door. I am stunned and holding my breath again until I hear the car skidding off, then I know he is gone and we are safe – for now. We go to bed.

The next day is always the same – like nothing ever happened, we all act like nothing happened. He never apologises, he never says it won’t happen again, I’m glad he’s not mentioning it, I’m glad he isn’t going to be angry at me for jumping on him, I’m scared again but everything is normal again and will be for a few, days, a few weeks and sometimes a few months.

But that won’t be the last time, it’s happened before. Sometimes it was one of us he has started the fight with and mostly it was you. It was always somebodies fault other than him, the time I didn’t come back in time from my friends house for dinner and the bastard kicked and battered me – I didn’t know how to tell the time – I was barely 7! The time he kicked you in the belly when you were pregnant, the time he kicked me the head for looking in his eyes and then there’s what’s going to happen if you don’t take my advice in this letter today, the New Years Eve with the baseball bat when he will bruise my whole thigh, there’s the time he throws my sister down the stairs, there’s the times he will throw the scalding tea in a temper, around us all at the table and again at you and my sister, there’s the times you don’t leave the house for days to hide black eyes, there’s all the times one of us has pissed him off for creaking the floorboard passing his room, for saying the wrong thing, and his favourite – for having a smirk, there’s the time when I found you unconscious after he threw you down the stairs. There’s the times I can’t even yet say or type about – even as a grown adult now.

Look at me now mama as a seven year old and look at my brother and sister – is that what you want to happen? There is no point in saying any of this to the you that you have become. It is too late. I don’t even hate him anymore for any of these things. I still have nightmares and I am still a very jumpy and nervous person, but I honestly see it as what’s been done, in the past and something that I never wanted to drag up.

I never told anyone, I got on well at school, I loved school, it was my sanctuary. I went to university and worked my OWN way through and got loans up to my eyeballs, but I did it, I did it and I was happy to get away and to escape. I was finally free…. I could pretend I was normal, I could ignore the fact it was still going on, I still wished you would leave, but I was selfish and I looked after me and I was happy. I might not have had my parents coming to visit like everyone else’s, it was my friends parents who helped me move into my new life, I was independent and I was never going back.

Life is like a mirror  and changes in a simple turn. My life leads me to be geographically back to living in the same town – I am thrown back in the midst of your crazy life, I don’t want to be, I try to avoid you as much as possible whilst keeping up the persona that I am a successful person from this lovely family who doesn’t cry herself to sleep or jump out of her skin at the slightest thing. You move house every six months (are the neighbours in your new houses hearing more than he would like?), you are drinking yourself into oblivion (you hardly drink at all when we are little) and people I hardly know are stopping me and asking what’s going on, telling me you are falling off bar stools and crying and fighting. I confront you and you attack me, you hate me. You scream that I am ungrateful, you take claim for all my hard work – you put me through! You supported me!  It’s so far from the truth it churns my stomach. Other fights are going on between you both and my brother and sister as well. You think we want money? You think we are being pukes for questioning your drinking. I know you are vulnerable and I know that these are his words and his ideas and you are completely incapable of forming a lucid thought of your own and you are vile in your words and behaviour.

The straw that broke the camel’s back. He takes it public – he attacks another woman, It is HIM that takes it public, up to now I say nothing, to my closest friends, my partner, our family – I’ve not said a word. What do we do now? He is arrested and my sister talks to you appeals to you – now is the chance, surely now you can leave, we will hide you, we will help you. You agree!! My sister rings me, we are relieved and happy – maybe now things will change…..

To be  continued …..

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The Little Girl …part one

Once there was a 12 year old girl. She had a dream. Her dream was to get her crush to like her, but she was so shy she didn’t know what to do. So she joined a website that she had lots of fun on when she wasn’t a member, and she had fun posting funny stuff, making up random quizzes, and while that was happening, she was gaining lots of friends.
She was friends with this one guy that she never knew would be the one person she would never forget in her whole life. She had fun making up jokes with him, and they were from different countries, so they would tell each other  about stuff that they did in their countries.
One day the girl decided to make a Does He Like Me Survey, and it was about her crush. She told them about this guy, and the guy she would joke around with- who she sorta had a crush on- said that he likes her, and he stopped messaging her. She wondered why… He let people ask him a question, and she asked him what his favorite color was, and replyed lime green which was her favorite color too. As time goes by  She realized that she was in love with him…
She was scared to message him, but she thought he would be mad, so she didn’t do anything. He was like her big brother. He was about 15 or 16, but she liked him. She was sad when he seemed mad. She decided to message him, but right before,

…to be continued

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Thinking back over

Alot of people say forget about the past referring to bad experiences.

With all i have gone through, if I could pick and choose on what to remmember and on what to forget, I would in a heartbeat for i have no control over it.

I have spent years trying to forget and put things behind me but my memory is like that of an elephant.

I have learned that everything seems to happen for a reason. Even if we don’t see and understand at the moment.

If something happens the lesson  that’s in it may not be ment for me but someone else.

I think we should hold on to the past, but not to dwell nor live in it. We should only live by it and use it for what we’ve learned in life and share our experiences with others, and if it’s anything it might help them in life.

And I think that if a child is raised in a certain way or exposed to a certain things in life he/she can become positive or negative and learn best by their experiences in life.

Am 25yrs old and a survivor of all forms of abuse in the society. I was raised in what i call “struggle for the existence and survival for the fittest” for it was normal to live that way and i was used to.

I was told that it was no ones business of what wenton in anyone’s else home , for family business is family business! And grew up knowing that no one cares as long as you don’t bother them.

I was told that life is what you make out of it and you get what you deserve.

The fact is no one got involved unless you asked them to or uf you bother them. For anyone who does poke their nose into others business is only out of money or should be upto something.

Everyone had reinforced by not saying or doing anything. They would look away shut their doors turn up there TVsets and such.

Inspite of what i was told.I knew I didn’t ask God for my situations.

I was born into one end and stepped blindedly in to the other. When i got into a relationship I wanted the opposite of what i was raised on but somehow ended up the same thing for most of us say history might repeat itself in many forms.

When my other half were together. I didn’t realize things because I was so ignorant and blinded to with lots of stuffs. For i was used to and accepted things for the way they were.It was normal to me!

The truth is that the relationship was heaven  I couldn’t compare how i was raised and the severity of things.

My ex and family remided me of why things were the way they were and blamed myself for not trying hard enough.

I was told that men are supposed to do certain things and women were lucky to have them. But I thought it differently you can’t just compare broken bones , threats and such to being shot, shot at and after all i had went via.

It took me a while to realize that i had been following the same lead practically as i was raised.

I guess i was used to the way things were and i wasn’t awere of alot. Lucky enough i have thought of few things! To change my path as the time passby

I know it will take a while but after having some interventions in things and Wakeup call! I have take a new step of life even though it might take the rest of my life to be free but i will say it was worthwhile.

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He loves me !He loves me not!

For A Boy Named… Karani
During the night and all throughout the day
When I’m asleep or even when I’m awake
A name that pumps my crazy heart
It’s you Karani ,who makes me start

Makes me to start believing
That you are present somewhere around
I could sense your fragrance in the air
And your touch, that is so profound

The swirling wind when blows through my face
I could see your image, of elegance and grace
Please come in front and please don’t hide
It’s you Karani,and I’m waiting for your stride

A subtle glance of yours
Through the mist of the dawn
A smile beyond imagination
For a heart that’s lovelorn

I’m searching for you, to share those secret glances
An effort to meet you, to increase my own chances
Through this hazy mist all through, I wish I could see your eyes
For it is you Karani,after every stumble I rise

Rise again with a mind full of questions
Rise again with a heart full of desire
I really need to ask who you are
Who aroused in me a dormant fire

I’m going crazy day by day in your imagination
Every beat of my heart seems to be a new creation
What a fabulous magic I find in your name
Oh my dearest Karani,you’ll completely make me insane

I wish I could live my life in this magic
Be it dream, or be it reality
I only wish to meet you once
And I don’t expect anything in totality

Please don’t go away; I would be hurt and sad
Not bcoz you left me, but bcoz this world would think me mad
Prove to this world that your existence is not fake
There is a boy named karani, who would come for my sake

Oh come out from my imagination and show me where you are
Hold my hand and say you are here, and never would you go afar
Oh come out from my imagination & show me your handsomeness face
I promise you karani,my love would never give you disgrace…………..

Courage 01

When it happened
I was too young to know
how much this affected him
how much it took from him
he forgot who he was
he forgot how to shove food in his face
he lost his mind
he lost his place
his case was called an Aneurysm
his brain had dysfunction
he could not talk anymore
he could not walk anymore
for sure
we all thought he was done
for sure
we thought he would give up
but he never quit
he saw what he wanted
he saw what he needed
and he had succeeded
his vessel had bled
his head had sped over the limit
but still he never stopped
……………………………………….

to be continued

RISE UP AND PRAY

When all the doors shut in your face,
Have faith and continue to praise.

When you can’t bear the thought of yesterday and dread tomorrow,
Carry on with grace.

If you’re the last one running,
Don’t look back or slow your pace.

Keep moving forward,
Disregard the pain and aches.

Life is difficult,
With many demons to chase.

Make them your accomplice
If that’s what you need to win the race.

The world has become a bitter place.
Don’t become disgraced.

When life pushes you face down,
Rise up and pray.

The judge is upstairs keeping track
Of what you’re carrying on your slate.

Live life in peace
And consume no hate.

So when you get to where you’re going,
It will be worth your wait.

TIME TO STOP STRUGGLING

Life is unfair; sometimes the misery we can’t bear.
This was a feeling I could never share.
I am strong, strong enough to move on from this pain.
I won’t feel the shame; my life is not a game.
Tired of these tears and my fears,
I will cherish my inspirations.
I will find my dream, I promise; that’s what I will achieve.
I will find a way to leave.
I’m not who you will deceive.
I believe in miracles; these people laugh like it’s hysterical.
I won’t fall; I may be lost, but I will be found.
One day I will find the perfect life; life will run beautifully,
I will fly like a butterfly through the night, will have a pleasant sight.
Afraid but I will fight.
No boundaries, free my mind of all the pressure.
Leaving here will be my pleasure.
I want so much to be free; so much I want to see.
I want to reach the sky, I want so badly to fly.
See, I used to be a fool when I let you treat me cruel.
I made a mistake, but I won’t let myself break.
Leave me, for God’s sake.
So now I kneel down to pray.
For these times of struggle I will just say,
I’ll leave in your hands, God. I will let go

NEVER ENOUGH

Dear MaMa
Sometimes I know the words to say to give thanks for all you’ve done,
but then they fly up and away as quickly as they come.

How could I possibly thank you enough, the one who makes me whole,
the one to whom I owe my life, the forming of my soul.

The one who tucked me in at night, the one who stopped my crying,
the one who was the expert at picking up when I was lying.

The one who saw me off to school and spent sad days alone,
yet magically produced a smile as soon as I came home.

The one who makes such sacrifices to always put me first,
who lets me test my broken wings, in spite of how it hurts.

Who paints the world a rainbow when it’s filled with broken dreams,
who explains it all so clearly when nothing is what it seems.

Are there really any words for this? I find this question tough.
Anything I want to say just doesn’t seem enough.

What way is there to thank you for your heart, your sweat, your tears,
for ten thousand things you’ve done for oh so many years.

For changing with me as I changed, accepting all my flaws,
not loving ’cause you had to, but loving just because.

For never giving up on me when your wits had reached its end,
for always being proud of me, for being my best friend.

And so I come to realize, the only way to say,
the only thank you that’s enough is clear in just one way.

Look at me before you see what I’ve become.
Do you see yourself in me, the job that you have done?

All your hopes and all your dreams, the strength that no one sees,
a transfer over many years, your best was to pass me.

Thank you for the gifts you give, for everything you do,
but thank you, Mommy, most of all for making dreams come true.

TIME I HAVE

Time, if I had all the time in the world I would have absolutely do nothing.
It is not time itself that makes your life worth something.

In the time that I have, I will be kinder, gentler, and more giving.
I will take advantage of all the time I have to show more joy; I will be living.

I will take the time that I have to listen more intently.
I will respond and speak more wisely and more softly.

In the time that I have I will share it with those whom I love,
Because I have no idea how much time I have; that is up to God above.

In the time that I have I will devote myself to God through Christ.
I will respect the word of God because without him I have no life.

In the time that I have I will love and honor my wife in all that I do.
I do this out of love, a devoted and never ending love for you.

In the time that I have I will share a passion for a blessed and positive life.
I will make the time to share my love with my one greatest blessing, my beautiful wife.

In the time that we have together I will lift you up in spirit. and to God I will pray
That you have health, kindness, and love as part of your blessing each and every day.

Time is no longer my friend, and I know that is true.
My wife, that is why I want to devote all my time to loving you.

WHY STOP STRUGGLING

Life is unfair; sometimes the misery we can’t bear.
This was a feeling I could never share.
I am strong, strong enough to move on from this pain.
I won’t feel the shame; my life is not a game.
Tired of these tears and my fears,
I will cherish my inspirations.
I will find my dream, I promise; that’s what I will achieve.
I will find a way to leave.
I’m not who you will deceive.
I believe in miracles; these people laugh like it’s hysterical.
I won’t fall; I may be lost, but I will be found.
One day I will find the perfect life; life will run beautifully,
I will fly like a butterfly through the night, will have a pleasant sight.
Afraid but I will fight.
No boundaries, free my mind of all the pressure.
Leaving here will be my pleasure.
I want so much to be free; so much I want to see.
I want to reach the sky, I want so badly to fly.
See, I used to be a fool when I let you treat me cruel.
I made a mistake, but I won’t let myself break.
Leave me, for God’s sake.
So now I kneel down to pray.
For these times of struggle I will just say,
I’ll leave in your hands, God. I will let go.

TRY

Imagine a time…
when everything was absolutely right.

When you looked forward to
waking up the next day.

When you actually slept through the night.
When you finally felt peace.
That everything is going to be alright.

When all of a sudden your
dreams, your hopes and strength
are gone forever.

All you want to do is scream
“Please God, tell me it’s a dream!”

When you wake in the morning
to realize its reality.

You try to fight the finality.
You need just a little bit of normality.

You try not to think of “Why”
all you do is cry.

You try to be angry with God,
but end up angry at yourself.

“Why didn’t I just stay home that day?”
“Why can’t anything ever go my way?”

You crawl out of bed.
Decide to give life another whirl.

You reach out.
Some reach back.
Some don’t even call back.

Just when you thought you had no more to lose.
You do.

These people you thought to be friends just wanted you to use.

So you lay back down just wanting to snooze, thinking why me?
Is it how I choose?

You begin to give up.
You don’t see a reason any longer
to even wake up.

Then all of a sudden you hear
the sound of the phone ring or
a knock on the door.

Someone there to tell you not to give up,
you’re worth so much more.

You begin to cry while this other person
is wondering why.

You try to say
“Thank you for being my friend today,
if it weren’t for you I would’ve given up
and died.”

You now know the answer of “Why”.

It’s to remind you
to never give up
and to always try.

Now when I cry I know and don’t ask why.

I get out of bed and again I try.

Pretty face, don’t mean pretty heart.

johncoyote

Pretty face, don’t mean pretty heart.

She was so damn pretty and she moved through life like a panther in the free forest on the hunt.

Her eyes were black as coal and her voice sweeter than the Michigan Fall honey.

She told me. “Blind folks need love and kiss. They believe love is forever. The soulmate fantasy leave you lonely, waiting and dead in heart. Don’t believe in outer appearance. Pretty does, sometimes is pretty not. Be brave and careless, better to eat life-up without seeking perfect love and perfect kiss. If you want little, you won’t be disappointed.”

I loved her eyes. Cold and relentless and I loved her tantalizing tender voice. I loved her truthful and honest words.

She told me. “Pretty face, don’t mean pretty heart. Sometime women are killers, murderers of love and kindness. They will leave you bloody and dying without a second of…

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SOMETIMES

Sometimes we see things that aren’t meant to be seen.
Sometimes things aren’t always as they seem.
Sometimes we need someone to call our own,
Especially when we’re alone.
Sometimes people just can’t understand,
Why things get out of hand.
Sometimes life just isn’t fair,
Especially when people just don’t care.
And sometimes it’s hard to say,
Why things have to be this way.
Sometimes it’s all you can do to get by,
Especially when dreams continue to die.
Sometimes it’s nice to sit in the rain.
Even to just relieve the pain.
And when we’ve had a really bad day,
Sometimes we just need to get away.
We never know what’s wrong with out pain.
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

And sometimes when people get hurt,
Even the strongest ones may need comfort.