LETTERS FROM THE PAST Part 1

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Dear MaMa

I know when you get this you will be shocked, after all I am only seven in your time now! But I am writing this from the future and I am actually in my 40s mama! And a mammy of four gorgeous children – the you that you are then would love being their granny… but that’s why I’m writing to you mama  because today I had to make a final decision, a decision that I have made before but went back on. A decision which has torn me apart and broken my heart beyond any comprehension.

I was thinking how I would love the future me to write me a letter and tell me if I am doing the right thing, what will be the outcome? Then I remembered, you had to make a decision too, a decision that could have changed everything and could mean that I would never have think about making my difficult decision today – so I’m writing to you to tell you to change your mind, be brave, walk away from that abusive and emotionless “pig” that controls you, that hurts you, that hurts us – your children.

I can imagine your dilemma; I can feel your fear. Where will you go? What if he finds you? He said he will always find you, he said you’d never manage with no money, he said he’s the only one that will love you and you’ll never manage, he said we (your children) will hate you, he said there was no point in trying to find a new house because he will find you and he will burn it all on the ground .. and you….and us.

Mama I know you are scared, I know you are unsure, so am I then mama – so frightened. We know what he can do, we know he will try and do it – he is unpredictable and maybe you think well then it’s better to stay, maybe he will stop, maybe you are over reacting, maybe we are better off having a father , he goes to work and earns a keep, it doesn’t happen every day – it was probably your fault, maybe he was right and you were nagging him, maybe he’s right we were making noise on purpose to annoy him or maybe I did smirk at him – NOOOOOO Mama – you are so wrong – HE WILL NOT STOP, HE WILL GET WORSE, HE WILL HURT YOU, HE WILL HURT US, HE IS NOT RIGHT, YOU DID NOTING WRONG, WE DID NOTING WRONG, YOU WILL LOSE YOURSELF and now mama YOU HAVE LOST US. There are people who will help you, when you are reading this you know this, you must know you have family, you have friends, people will support you – you are strong and we want you to do this so badly, save yourself mama, save us

I have to think of my own family now – I have to think safety, security, love and care. I have to keep them from him….. what I’ve struggled to accept is I have to keep them from you too- not the you that you are when you are reading this letter – my beautiful, gentle, loving and caring mama , my mama  who makes decisions and is fun and feeds and clothes me, I have to keep them from what you have become – what he has made you.

You are just a shell now, you are not yourself, you get everything muddled up, you are a tool for him in his little evil game of manipulation and his web of lies. He knows people love you and not him, he has been grinding you down for decades – he’s hurt you in ALL those ways mama and I know, I heard, I seen and I felt.

The times I jumped from my sleep and hear the noises start, the shouting the roaring, then the bangs and then the screams, I get my system going I get my little brother and sister and bring them into my bed and tell them it’s ok, I get them to sing or read out loud …. But they hear too, they are scared too, they cry and I want to make it ok for them, I don’t want them to feel like me, I have to make it better for them. They follow me to the floor listening to the floorboards when it goes quiet to make sure we can hear your voice – to make sure this time isn’t the time he kills you – we are scared mama  – we need you. They follow me to the top of the stairs we are all holding our breath, I am shaking to the core, literally wobbling around the corner of the top of the stairs, I am afraid to breathe. I peer round and I see, I don’t know what comes over me, I’m not scared, I’m angry, my face is hot with rage and tears. I hate him, he can’t do this to you, he can’t hurt my mama . I scream and I’m at the bottom of the stairs in a few steps, I launch myself on him and the throws me off and I push and pull and bite and the grabs me by the throat and you get up and run. He’s holding me there by the throat 3ft of the ground against the wall, he is shouting in my face and his stinking spit splatters round my face, I can’t hear him, I don’t care, I hate him, I love you, you are safe. He drops me and storms out the front door. I am stunned and holding my breath again until I hear the car skidding off, then I know he is gone and we are safe – for now. We go to bed.

The next day is always the same – like nothing ever happened, we all act like nothing happened. He never apologises, he never says it won’t happen again, I’m glad he’s not mentioning it, I’m glad he isn’t going to be angry at me for jumping on him, I’m scared again but everything is normal again and will be for a few, days, a few weeks and sometimes a few months.

But that won’t be the last time, it’s happened before. Sometimes it was one of us he has started the fight with and mostly it was you. It was always somebodies fault other than him, the time I didn’t come back in time from my friends house for dinner and the bastard kicked and battered me – I didn’t know how to tell the time – I was barely 7! The time he kicked you in the belly when you were pregnant, the time he kicked me the head for looking in his eyes and then there’s what’s going to happen if you don’t take my advice in this letter today, the New Years Eve with the baseball bat when he will bruise my whole thigh, there’s the time he throws my sister down the stairs, there’s the times he will throw the scalding tea in a temper, around us all at the table and again at you and my sister, there’s the times you don’t leave the house for days to hide black eyes, there’s all the times one of us has pissed him off for creaking the floorboard passing his room, for saying the wrong thing, and his favourite – for having a smirk, there’s the time when I found you unconscious after he threw you down the stairs. There’s the times I can’t even yet say or type about – even as a grown adult now.

Look at me now mama as a seven year old and look at my brother and sister – is that what you want to happen? There is no point in saying any of this to the you that you have become. It is too late. I don’t even hate him anymore for any of these things. I still have nightmares and I am still a very jumpy and nervous person, but I honestly see it as what’s been done, in the past and something that I never wanted to drag up.

I never told anyone, I got on well at school, I loved school, it was my sanctuary. I went to university and worked my OWN way through and got loans up to my eyeballs, but I did it, I did it and I was happy to get away and to escape. I was finally free…. I could pretend I was normal, I could ignore the fact it was still going on, I still wished you would leave, but I was selfish and I looked after me and I was happy. I might not have had my parents coming to visit like everyone else’s, it was my friends parents who helped me move into my new life, I was independent and I was never going back.

Life is like a mirror  and changes in a simple turn. My life leads me to be geographically back to living in the same town – I am thrown back in the midst of your crazy life, I don’t want to be, I try to avoid you as much as possible whilst keeping up the persona that I am a successful person from this lovely family who doesn’t cry herself to sleep or jump out of her skin at the slightest thing. You move house every six months (are the neighbours in your new houses hearing more than he would like?), you are drinking yourself into oblivion (you hardly drink at all when we are little) and people I hardly know are stopping me and asking what’s going on, telling me you are falling off bar stools and crying and fighting. I confront you and you attack me, you hate me. You scream that I am ungrateful, you take claim for all my hard work – you put me through! You supported me!  It’s so far from the truth it churns my stomach. Other fights are going on between you both and my brother and sister as well. You think we want money? You think we are being pukes for questioning your drinking. I know you are vulnerable and I know that these are his words and his ideas and you are completely incapable of forming a lucid thought of your own and you are vile in your words and behaviour.

The straw that broke the camel’s back. He takes it public – he attacks another woman, It is HIM that takes it public, up to now I say nothing, to my closest friends, my partner, our family – I’ve not said a word. What do we do now? He is arrested and my sister talks to you appeals to you – now is the chance, surely now you can leave, we will hide you, we will help you. You agree!! My sister rings me, we are relieved and happy – maybe now things will change…..

To be  continued …..

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The Little Girl …part one

Once there was a 12 year old girl. She had a dream. Her dream was to get her crush to like her, but she was so shy she didn’t know what to do. So she joined a website that she had lots of fun on when she wasn’t a member, and she had fun posting funny stuff, making up random quizzes, and while that was happening, she was gaining lots of friends.
She was friends with this one guy that she never knew would be the one person she would never forget in her whole life. She had fun making up jokes with him, and they were from different countries, so they would tell each other  about stuff that they did in their countries.
One day the girl decided to make a Does He Like Me Survey, and it was about her crush. She told them about this guy, and the guy she would joke around with- who she sorta had a crush on- said that he likes her, and he stopped messaging her. She wondered why… He let people ask him a question, and she asked him what his favorite color was, and replyed lime green which was her favorite color too. As time goes by  She realized that she was in love with him…
She was scared to message him, but she thought he would be mad, so she didn’t do anything. He was like her big brother. He was about 15 or 16, but she liked him. She was sad when he seemed mad. She decided to message him, but right before,

…to be continued

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Thinking back over

Alot of people say forget about the past referring to bad experiences.

With all i have gone through, if I could pick and choose on what to remmember and on what to forget, I would in a heartbeat for i have no control over it.

I have spent years trying to forget and put things behind me but my memory is like that of an elephant.

I have learned that everything seems to happen for a reason. Even if we don’t see and understand at the moment.

If something happens the lesson  that’s in it may not be ment for me but someone else.

I think we should hold on to the past, but not to dwell nor live in it. We should only live by it and use it for what we’ve learned in life and share our experiences with others, and if it’s anything it might help them in life.

And I think that if a child is raised in a certain way or exposed to a certain things in life he/she can become positive or negative and learn best by their experiences in life.

Am 25yrs old and a survivor of all forms of abuse in the society. I was raised in what i call “struggle for the existence and survival for the fittest” for it was normal to live that way and i was used to.

I was told that it was no ones business of what wenton in anyone’s else home , for family business is family business! And grew up knowing that no one cares as long as you don’t bother them.

I was told that life is what you make out of it and you get what you deserve.

The fact is no one got involved unless you asked them to or uf you bother them. For anyone who does poke their nose into others business is only out of money or should be upto something.

Everyone had reinforced by not saying or doing anything. They would look away shut their doors turn up there TVsets and such.

Inspite of what i was told.I knew I didn’t ask God for my situations.

I was born into one end and stepped blindedly in to the other. When i got into a relationship I wanted the opposite of what i was raised on but somehow ended up the same thing for most of us say history might repeat itself in many forms.

When my other half were together. I didn’t realize things because I was so ignorant and blinded to with lots of stuffs. For i was used to and accepted things for the way they were.It was normal to me!

The truth is that the relationship was heaven  I couldn’t compare how i was raised and the severity of things.

My ex and family remided me of why things were the way they were and blamed myself for not trying hard enough.

I was told that men are supposed to do certain things and women were lucky to have them. But I thought it differently you can’t just compare broken bones , threats and such to being shot, shot at and after all i had went via.

It took me a while to realize that i had been following the same lead practically as i was raised.

I guess i was used to the way things were and i wasn’t awere of alot. Lucky enough i have thought of few things! To change my path as the time passby

I know it will take a while but after having some interventions in things and Wakeup call! I have take a new step of life even though it might take the rest of my life to be free but i will say it was worthwhile.

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He loves me !He loves me not!

For A Boy Named… Karani
During the night and all throughout the day
When I’m asleep or even when I’m awake
A name that pumps my crazy heart
It’s you Karani ,who makes me start

Makes me to start believing
That you are present somewhere around
I could sense your fragrance in the air
And your touch, that is so profound

The swirling wind when blows through my face
I could see your image, of elegance and grace
Please come in front and please don’t hide
It’s you Karani,and I’m waiting for your stride

A subtle glance of yours
Through the mist of the dawn
A smile beyond imagination
For a heart that’s lovelorn

I’m searching for you, to share those secret glances
An effort to meet you, to increase my own chances
Through this hazy mist all through, I wish I could see your eyes
For it is you Karani,after every stumble I rise

Rise again with a mind full of questions
Rise again with a heart full of desire
I really need to ask who you are
Who aroused in me a dormant fire

I’m going crazy day by day in your imagination
Every beat of my heart seems to be a new creation
What a fabulous magic I find in your name
Oh my dearest Karani,you’ll completely make me insane

I wish I could live my life in this magic
Be it dream, or be it reality
I only wish to meet you once
And I don’t expect anything in totality

Please don’t go away; I would be hurt and sad
Not bcoz you left me, but bcoz this world would think me mad
Prove to this world that your existence is not fake
There is a boy named karani, who would come for my sake

Oh come out from my imagination and show me where you are
Hold my hand and say you are here, and never would you go afar
Oh come out from my imagination & show me your handsomeness face
I promise you karani,my love would never give you disgrace…………..

INVITATION

Life is a lot of work. What is it that gives us the strength to continue when we are tired and burned out? Sometimes an inspirational idea can help us renew ourselves and be filled with strength to fulfill our life’s purpose. Inspiration comes in many forms. However, the root of all inspiration is the idea that our lives are meaningful. Inspiration is knowing that what I do matters deeply to the universe. When you have the feeling that your actions are meaningful, you will become filled with strength and vigor to fulfill your life’s purpose.

 

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesnt interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

EVERYTHING HAS A PURPOSE!

The Godly Chic Diaries

Those who leave everything in GOD’S HANDS, will eventually see God’s hand in everything.

Sometimes, we are so overwhelmed by our trials, that we forget to remember that God is right there with us in the midst of them. Everything has a purpose. Understand this – It’s all working to drive your purpose. And when you understand this, that is when you can continue to press through the storm that try to come against you. Trials don’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, they are confirmation that you are totally in the center of God’s will. His grace is sufficient.

Everything that you are experiencing right now, is only happening because of your connection to God. You have a convenant with God. Your relationship is the “WHY?” things may be happening. Know that nothing can come against you and your purpose. “No weapon formed against thee shall prosper.” (Isaiah…

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BE STILL!

The Godly Chic Diaries

“She believed she could so she did.” is lovely and instills confidence, but that doesn’t last. I know a deeper truth. She believe she couldn’t, so He did. Where you can’t, God already has…

All day, in many things today, I felt like I couldn’t do it on my own. Has anyone ever felt like this. That’s me Today. There’s so much going on right now. So many life leaps in the works. But God provides. He provides more than I could ever imagine. He gives us a full inbox of opportunities to grow and start a domino effect of hope and love. So grateful for his love and mercy. He makes me whole. This reminds me of Moses who didn’t feel equipped — he couldn’t do it on his own. But then God instilled this truth in his heart: “The lord will fight for you, you need only be…

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PLANTS ARE LIKE PEOPLE

I’m not a people person, as everyone knows;
It’s in the garden where my energy flows.
I talk to the birds, I talk to the trees,
I talk to the ants, and at times even the bees.

My back yard is my Garden of Eden,
where God stays beside me, Him I believe in.
He shows me His love in the plants out there,
where everything’s lovely and everything’s fair.

We are told by the Bible our love we must share;
maybe my plants don’t count, but they too care.
I water and trim them and tend to their needs;
they grow, they blossom, and give me seeds.

Now we do know all things in life go in a circle;
plants are like people, it’s really God’s cycle.
We are born, we grow, we produce and we die;
we all need much love, in both it does apply.

A yard contains grass, plants, and beautiful posies
accompanied with many weeds, so it isn’t all rosy.
In comparison it’s much like mankind – just think…
we have good ones, pretty ones, and some that stink.

So, people and gardens are so much alike;
some like social living, some like to be outside.
You take the parties, the chatter, and bickering;
I’m going outside, and with this I am sticking.

LONE CAVALIER

The gay young men and the love-sick girls,
and the abandoned widows suffering in sleepless delirium,
and the young pregnant wives of thirty hours,
and the raucous cats that cruise my garden in the shadows,
like a necklace of pulsating oysters of sex
surround my lonely residence,
like enemies lined up against my soul,
like conspirators in bedroom clothes
who exchange long deep kisses to order.

The radiant summer leads to lovers
in predictable melancholic regiments,
made of fat and skinny, sad and happy pairings:
under the elegant coconut palms, near the ocean and the moon,
goes an endless movement of trousers and dresses,
a whisper of silk stockings being caressed,
and womens breasts that sparkle like eyes.

The little employee, after it all,
after the weeks boredom, and novels read by night in bed,
has definitively seduced the girl next door,
and carried her away to a run-down movie house
where the heroes are studs or princes mad with passion,
and strokes her legs covered with soft down
with his moist and ardent hands that smell of cigarettes.

The seducers afternoons and married peoples nights
come together like the sheets and bury me,
and the hours after lunch when the young male students
and the young girl students, and the priests, masturbate,
and the creatures fornicate outright,
and the bees smell of blood, and the flies madly buzz,
and boy and girl cousins play oddly together,
and doctors stare in fury at the young patients husband,
and the morning hours in which the professor, as if to pass the time,
performs his marriage duties, and breakfasts,
and moreover, the adulterers, who love each other truly
on beds as high and deep as ocean liners:
finally, eternally surrounding me
is a gigantic forest breathing and tangled
with gigantic flowers like mouths with teeth
and black roots in the shape of hooves and shoes.

 

I SIT AND LOOK 👀 OUt

“I Sit and Look Out” captures the corruption of the world.  Where things like political slander, Trail of Tears, slavery, and the Civil War. In this poem, the speaker is merely an onlooker, not someone to get involved in all these negative affairs of society. However, readers might be inspired to do their part to create a positive influence on the world that will lessen the destruction.

I SIT and look out upon all the sorrows of the world, and upon all   oppression and shame;
I hear secret convulsive sobs from young men, at anguish with themselves, remorseful after deeds done;
I see, in low life, the mother misused by her children, dying, neglected, gaunt, desperate;
I see the wife misused by her husband—I see the treacherous seducer of young women;
I mark the ranklings of jealousy and unrequited love, attempted to be hid—I see these sights on the earth;
I see the workings of battle, pestilence, tyranny—I see martyrs and prisoners;
I observe a famine at sea—I observe the sailors casting lots who shall be kill’d, to preserve the lives of the rest;
I observe the slights and degradations cast by arrogant persons upon laborers, the poor, and upon negroes, and the like;
All these—All the meanness and agony without end, I sitting, look out upon,
See, hear, and am silent.

 

A GIFT OF LIFE

I received a gift from a stranger,
A stranger I did not know.
I had heard his name before,
But just in passing, so I let it go.

I did not think it was a gift,
But rather a terrible burden.
They said it was nothing I wanted.
Of this they were certain.

I was told it was something bad
And more than I could bear.
No one mentioned it was precious.
It was as if they didn’t care.

I sent the gift back to the stranger,
Where it came from up above.
If only I had met him sooner,
I would have seen the gift was made with love.

Instead, I treated the gift like it was nothing.
I quickly sent it back.
They told me I did the right thing,
But they left out an important fact.

See, the gift was made just for me by a stranger,
And God was his name.
I had never even noticed him,
Yet he loved me just the same.

He had created that precious gift.
Each piece he made by hand to my surprise,
And yet I didn’t even see it.
My life was based on lies.

When I found out what the gift contained
And realized I had thrown it away,
I believed I would always suffer
And be punished every day.

But to my disbelief, that stranger,
Who I had ignored and turned away,
Created three more gifts for me
And sent them all my way.

I begged for his forgiveness.
I prayed and felt his love.
I wondered what had become of the first gift
Sent from above.

I later learned the gift would remain
With our loving God and then
I would meet my baby in heaven
And receive the gift again.

I have no fear that I will not know
Which gift was meant for me.
So many have been thrown away,
But mine I will surely see.

For I have dreamed of my little boy
Whose eyes were big and bright.
I will run right over to him,
And know him at first sight.

I will say, “Mommy loves you!”
I know that is how I’ll start.
Then I will thank God for taking care of my baby
While we were so far apart.

If I could just help one person
See their gift contains such love
And that the life inside that little gift
Came from God above,

It would honor my precious baby,
Whose life was lost to a lie.
It would stop the suffering of another child
And a mother who would otherwise be too scared to try.

WE ARE MORE ALIKE

I note the obvious differences
in the human family.
Some of us are serious,
some thrive on comedy.

Some declare their lives are lived
as true profundity,
and others claim they really live
the real reality.

The variety of our skin tones
can confuse, bemuse, delight,
brown and pink and beige and purple,
tan and blue and white.

I’ve sailed upon seven seas
and stopped in every land,
I’ve seen the wonders of the world
not yet one common .

I know ten thousand women
called Mary and Mary Anne,
but I’ve not seen any two
who really were the same.

Mirror twins are different
although their features jibe,
and lovers think quite different thoughts
while lying side by side.

We love and lose in China,
we weep on England’s moors,
and laugh and moan in Guinea,
and thrive on Spanish shores.

We seek success in Finland,
are born and die in Maine.
In minor ways we differ,
in major we’re the same.

I note the obvious differences
between each sort and type,
but we are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

Courage 01

When it happened
I was too young to know
how much this affected him
how much it took from him
he forgot who he was
he forgot how to shove food in his face
he lost his mind
he lost his place
his case was called an Aneurysm
his brain had dysfunction
he could not talk anymore
he could not walk anymore
for sure
we all thought he was done
for sure
we thought he would give up
but he never quit
he saw what he wanted
he saw what he needed
and he had succeeded
his vessel had bled
his head had sped over the limit
but still he never stopped
……………………………………….

to be continued

RISE UP AND PRAY

When all the doors shut in your face,
Have faith and continue to praise.

When you can’t bear the thought of yesterday and dread tomorrow,
Carry on with grace.

If you’re the last one running,
Don’t look back or slow your pace.

Keep moving forward,
Disregard the pain and aches.

Life is difficult,
With many demons to chase.

Make them your accomplice
If that’s what you need to win the race.

The world has become a bitter place.
Don’t become disgraced.

When life pushes you face down,
Rise up and pray.

The judge is upstairs keeping track
Of what you’re carrying on your slate.

Live life in peace
And consume no hate.

So when you get to where you’re going,
It will be worth your wait.