LETTERS FROM THE PAST Part 1

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Dear MaMa

I know when you get this you will be shocked, after all I am only seven in your time now! But I am writing this from the future and I am actually in my 40s mama! And a mammy of four gorgeous children – the you that you are then would love being their granny… but that’s why I’m writing to you mama  because today I had to make a final decision, a decision that I have made before but went back on. A decision which has torn me apart and broken my heart beyond any comprehension.

I was thinking how I would love the future me to write me a letter and tell me if I am doing the right thing, what will be the outcome? Then I remembered, you had to make a decision too, a decision that could have changed everything and could mean that I would never have think about making my difficult decision today – so I’m writing to you to tell you to change your mind, be brave, walk away from that abusive and emotionless “pig” that controls you, that hurts you, that hurts us – your children.

I can imagine your dilemma; I can feel your fear. Where will you go? What if he finds you? He said he will always find you, he said you’d never manage with no money, he said he’s the only one that will love you and you’ll never manage, he said we (your children) will hate you, he said there was no point in trying to find a new house because he will find you and he will burn it all on the ground .. and you….and us.

Mama I know you are scared, I know you are unsure, so am I then mama – so frightened. We know what he can do, we know he will try and do it – he is unpredictable and maybe you think well then it’s better to stay, maybe he will stop, maybe you are over reacting, maybe we are better off having a father , he goes to work and earns a keep, it doesn’t happen every day – it was probably your fault, maybe he was right and you were nagging him, maybe he’s right we were making noise on purpose to annoy him or maybe I did smirk at him – NOOOOOO Mama – you are so wrong – HE WILL NOT STOP, HE WILL GET WORSE, HE WILL HURT YOU, HE WILL HURT US, HE IS NOT RIGHT, YOU DID NOTING WRONG, WE DID NOTING WRONG, YOU WILL LOSE YOURSELF and now mama YOU HAVE LOST US. There are people who will help you, when you are reading this you know this, you must know you have family, you have friends, people will support you – you are strong and we want you to do this so badly, save yourself mama, save us

I have to think of my own family now – I have to think safety, security, love and care. I have to keep them from him….. what I’ve struggled to accept is I have to keep them from you too- not the you that you are when you are reading this letter – my beautiful, gentle, loving and caring mama , my mama  who makes decisions and is fun and feeds and clothes me, I have to keep them from what you have become – what he has made you.

You are just a shell now, you are not yourself, you get everything muddled up, you are a tool for him in his little evil game of manipulation and his web of lies. He knows people love you and not him, he has been grinding you down for decades – he’s hurt you in ALL those ways mama and I know, I heard, I seen and I felt.

The times I jumped from my sleep and hear the noises start, the shouting the roaring, then the bangs and then the screams, I get my system going I get my little brother and sister and bring them into my bed and tell them it’s ok, I get them to sing or read out loud …. But they hear too, they are scared too, they cry and I want to make it ok for them, I don’t want them to feel like me, I have to make it better for them. They follow me to the floor listening to the floorboards when it goes quiet to make sure we can hear your voice – to make sure this time isn’t the time he kills you – we are scared mama  – we need you. They follow me to the top of the stairs we are all holding our breath, I am shaking to the core, literally wobbling around the corner of the top of the stairs, I am afraid to breathe. I peer round and I see, I don’t know what comes over me, I’m not scared, I’m angry, my face is hot with rage and tears. I hate him, he can’t do this to you, he can’t hurt my mama . I scream and I’m at the bottom of the stairs in a few steps, I launch myself on him and the throws me off and I push and pull and bite and the grabs me by the throat and you get up and run. He’s holding me there by the throat 3ft of the ground against the wall, he is shouting in my face and his stinking spit splatters round my face, I can’t hear him, I don’t care, I hate him, I love you, you are safe. He drops me and storms out the front door. I am stunned and holding my breath again until I hear the car skidding off, then I know he is gone and we are safe – for now. We go to bed.

The next day is always the same – like nothing ever happened, we all act like nothing happened. He never apologises, he never says it won’t happen again, I’m glad he’s not mentioning it, I’m glad he isn’t going to be angry at me for jumping on him, I’m scared again but everything is normal again and will be for a few, days, a few weeks and sometimes a few months.

But that won’t be the last time, it’s happened before. Sometimes it was one of us he has started the fight with and mostly it was you. It was always somebodies fault other than him, the time I didn’t come back in time from my friends house for dinner and the bastard kicked and battered me – I didn’t know how to tell the time – I was barely 7! The time he kicked you in the belly when you were pregnant, the time he kicked me the head for looking in his eyes and then there’s what’s going to happen if you don’t take my advice in this letter today, the New Years Eve with the baseball bat when he will bruise my whole thigh, there’s the time he throws my sister down the stairs, there’s the times he will throw the scalding tea in a temper, around us all at the table and again at you and my sister, there’s the times you don’t leave the house for days to hide black eyes, there’s all the times one of us has pissed him off for creaking the floorboard passing his room, for saying the wrong thing, and his favourite – for having a smirk, there’s the time when I found you unconscious after he threw you down the stairs. There’s the times I can’t even yet say or type about – even as a grown adult now.

Look at me now mama as a seven year old and look at my brother and sister – is that what you want to happen? There is no point in saying any of this to the you that you have become. It is too late. I don’t even hate him anymore for any of these things. I still have nightmares and I am still a very jumpy and nervous person, but I honestly see it as what’s been done, in the past and something that I never wanted to drag up.

I never told anyone, I got on well at school, I loved school, it was my sanctuary. I went to university and worked my OWN way through and got loans up to my eyeballs, but I did it, I did it and I was happy to get away and to escape. I was finally free…. I could pretend I was normal, I could ignore the fact it was still going on, I still wished you would leave, but I was selfish and I looked after me and I was happy. I might not have had my parents coming to visit like everyone else’s, it was my friends parents who helped me move into my new life, I was independent and I was never going back.

Life is like a mirror  and changes in a simple turn. My life leads me to be geographically back to living in the same town – I am thrown back in the midst of your crazy life, I don’t want to be, I try to avoid you as much as possible whilst keeping up the persona that I am a successful person from this lovely family who doesn’t cry herself to sleep or jump out of her skin at the slightest thing. You move house every six months (are the neighbours in your new houses hearing more than he would like?), you are drinking yourself into oblivion (you hardly drink at all when we are little) and people I hardly know are stopping me and asking what’s going on, telling me you are falling off bar stools and crying and fighting. I confront you and you attack me, you hate me. You scream that I am ungrateful, you take claim for all my hard work – you put me through! You supported me!  It’s so far from the truth it churns my stomach. Other fights are going on between you both and my brother and sister as well. You think we want money? You think we are being pukes for questioning your drinking. I know you are vulnerable and I know that these are his words and his ideas and you are completely incapable of forming a lucid thought of your own and you are vile in your words and behaviour.

The straw that broke the camel’s back. He takes it public – he attacks another woman, It is HIM that takes it public, up to now I say nothing, to my closest friends, my partner, our family – I’ve not said a word. What do we do now? He is arrested and my sister talks to you appeals to you – now is the chance, surely now you can leave, we will hide you, we will help you. You agree!! My sister rings me, we are relieved and happy – maybe now things will change…..

To be  continued …..

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The Little Girl …part one

Once there was a 12 year old girl. She had a dream. Her dream was to get her crush to like her, but she was so shy she didn’t know what to do. So she joined a website that she had lots of fun on when she wasn’t a member, and she had fun posting funny stuff, making up random quizzes, and while that was happening, she was gaining lots of friends.
She was friends with this one guy that she never knew would be the one person she would never forget in her whole life. She had fun making up jokes with him, and they were from different countries, so they would tell each other  about stuff that they did in their countries.
One day the girl decided to make a Does He Like Me Survey, and it was about her crush. She told them about this guy, and the guy she would joke around with- who she sorta had a crush on- said that he likes her, and he stopped messaging her. She wondered why… He let people ask him a question, and she asked him what his favorite color was, and replyed lime green which was her favorite color too. As time goes by  She realized that she was in love with him…
She was scared to message him, but she thought he would be mad, so she didn’t do anything. He was like her big brother. He was about 15 or 16, but she liked him. She was sad when he seemed mad. She decided to message him, but right before,

…to be continued

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Thinking back over

Alot of people say forget about the past referring to bad experiences.

With all i have gone through, if I could pick and choose on what to remmember and on what to forget, I would in a heartbeat for i have no control over it.

I have spent years trying to forget and put things behind me but my memory is like that of an elephant.

I have learned that everything seems to happen for a reason. Even if we don’t see and understand at the moment.

If something happens the lesson  that’s in it may not be ment for me but someone else.

I think we should hold on to the past, but not to dwell nor live in it. We should only live by it and use it for what we’ve learned in life and share our experiences with others, and if it’s anything it might help them in life.

And I think that if a child is raised in a certain way or exposed to a certain things in life he/she can become positive or negative and learn best by their experiences in life.

Am 25yrs old and a survivor of all forms of abuse in the society. I was raised in what i call “struggle for the existence and survival for the fittest” for it was normal to live that way and i was used to.

I was told that it was no ones business of what wenton in anyone’s else home , for family business is family business! And grew up knowing that no one cares as long as you don’t bother them.

I was told that life is what you make out of it and you get what you deserve.

The fact is no one got involved unless you asked them to or uf you bother them. For anyone who does poke their nose into others business is only out of money or should be upto something.

Everyone had reinforced by not saying or doing anything. They would look away shut their doors turn up there TVsets and such.

Inspite of what i was told.I knew I didn’t ask God for my situations.

I was born into one end and stepped blindedly in to the other. When i got into a relationship I wanted the opposite of what i was raised on but somehow ended up the same thing for most of us say history might repeat itself in many forms.

When my other half were together. I didn’t realize things because I was so ignorant and blinded to with lots of stuffs. For i was used to and accepted things for the way they were.It was normal to me!

The truth is that the relationship was heaven  I couldn’t compare how i was raised and the severity of things.

My ex and family remided me of why things were the way they were and blamed myself for not trying hard enough.

I was told that men are supposed to do certain things and women were lucky to have them. But I thought it differently you can’t just compare broken bones , threats and such to being shot, shot at and after all i had went via.

It took me a while to realize that i had been following the same lead practically as i was raised.

I guess i was used to the way things were and i wasn’t awere of alot. Lucky enough i have thought of few things! To change my path as the time passby

I know it will take a while but after having some interventions in things and Wakeup call! I have take a new step of life even though it might take the rest of my life to be free but i will say it was worthwhile.

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He loves me !He loves me not!

For A Boy Named… Karani
During the night and all throughout the day
When I’m asleep or even when I’m awake
A name that pumps my crazy heart
It’s you Karani ,who makes me start

Makes me to start believing
That you are present somewhere around
I could sense your fragrance in the air
And your touch, that is so profound

The swirling wind when blows through my face
I could see your image, of elegance and grace
Please come in front and please don’t hide
It’s you Karani,and I’m waiting for your stride

A subtle glance of yours
Through the mist of the dawn
A smile beyond imagination
For a heart that’s lovelorn

I’m searching for you, to share those secret glances
An effort to meet you, to increase my own chances
Through this hazy mist all through, I wish I could see your eyes
For it is you Karani,after every stumble I rise

Rise again with a mind full of questions
Rise again with a heart full of desire
I really need to ask who you are
Who aroused in me a dormant fire

I’m going crazy day by day in your imagination
Every beat of my heart seems to be a new creation
What a fabulous magic I find in your name
Oh my dearest Karani,you’ll completely make me insane

I wish I could live my life in this magic
Be it dream, or be it reality
I only wish to meet you once
And I don’t expect anything in totality

Please don’t go away; I would be hurt and sad
Not bcoz you left me, but bcoz this world would think me mad
Prove to this world that your existence is not fake
There is a boy named karani, who would come for my sake

Oh come out from my imagination and show me where you are
Hold my hand and say you are here, and never would you go afar
Oh come out from my imagination & show me your handsomeness face
I promise you karani,my love would never give you disgrace…………..

FINDING ASPIRATION

I’ve always viewed life from the side lines,
Just watching it passing me by,
In the past too afraid to just let go and live,
And lately too tired to try.

I’ve envied people around me,
So invested in living each day,
While I spent my time hiding out from the world,
And searching for ways to escape.

For most of my life, I truly believed,
I was here to help somebody else,
But now it’s so clear it was just an excuse.
To avoid living life for myself.

It’s sad that our lives and the pain we endure,
Can weaken our strength to move on,
But if we get lost in the scars of our past,
Without knowing our lives will be gone.

It’s true people are disappointing,
They can turn in the blink of an eye,
But we can’t avoid hurting each other,
When we all want a chance in this life.

But there’s something I’ve learned through the wisdom of age,
A truth about all of our lives,
And that is no matter what path wee each take,
In the end, we just want to survive.

So the time has now come to conquer my fears,
And to stand up and face a new day,
Let the hurts of my past wash away my tears,
And stop letting my life slip away.

 

HE WROTE HER A SONG

He wrote her a song, but it never got finished
They both fell in love, but it was soon diminished
She sits on his bed and cries in his lap
He cries back at her, knowing they can’t go back.

Hours go by and neither one can accept
That by letting go they are doing what’s best
At the end of the day, comes the part which he fears
To let her go without shedding a tear

Never again will he kiss her goodbye
And just that thought makes him start to cry
Now he’ll finish that song, and he’ll write it today
This is the start and here’s what it says

“You are my siren, you drew me in
With a voice like an angel and the softest skin
Your eyes shine like diamonds and your smile melts my heart
I know that nothing could tear us apart”

That’s what he wrote and let me just say
That he’d never do anything to throw that away
But that’s not how it works; this world’s bitter and harsh
And then something happened, which drew them apart

An old boyfriend showed up and that’s when he knew
That her feelings for him were not shiny and new
This person left her and crushed her heart
But she had loved him since the very start.

When our boy came along she saw a way
To end her pain and make it all go away
But by loving this person through thick and through thin
She looked at our boy and wished it was him

Now this is where the second verse starts
It’s about how she seemed to break his heart
He found out her feelings, it went straight to his head
So he carried on writing and here’s what he said

You make me smile when no one else can
It just makes me happy to be your man
But it hurts me deeply that you long for his heart
I thought we would last, but this breaks us apart

He sat in his room and just wished he
Could be just like her ex so that they could be
But as long as he was there they could never be true
So he’d sit in his room feeling sad and blue

Now comes the part where she’s crying in his lap
They both just decided to never go back
The pain is immense but it’s saving his heart
Because staying with her would rip him apart

Here’s where he decides to finish the song
The story of how it all went wrong
He starts the last verse with tears dripping off his nose
The papers all wet but here’s how it goes.

You were my siren, you drew me in
You taught me to love and you taught me to sin
I never thought you could break my heart
But I guess we were wrong right from the start

You were my siren, now I’m dead at sea
You drew me in, but you didn’t want me
I just wish I knew where it all went wrong
But now another lost sailor can hear your song

 

 

BROKEN HOME 🏠

Looking at the night sky,
She wonders why,
Why’d they take her away,
She wanted to stay.

Leaving everything she has ever known,
everything she has ever been shown.
Lets sit here and try, try not to cry,
maybe time will pass by.

Then she can go home,
she then won’t have to roam.
Looking for a place,
that she won’t have to chase.

All the broken dreams lay shattered,
tired of hearing she doesn’t matter.
There’s a place in this world,
where she can twist and twirl.

She will belong some day,
everyone who did her wrong, they will pay.
They shouldn’t have taken her,
she know this for sure.

Lets set this trap,
get rid of this crap.
She will get revenge,
when they see me they will all cringe.

Everything has to do with being adopted,
her house is filled with lies.

As the days go by,
she’s always getting high
Hoping it will get rid of the pain,
so she can dance in the rain.

She doesn’t know what to do,
always lost and so confused.
She feels so used and abused,
wants to get lost in this world.

One, she is just one girl,
sick of all the stuff,
she’s had enough!

Going to run away,
not going to stay!

After everything she’s been through,
she still doesn’t know who?
Who she is inside.

Sick of running to hide,
when she dies,
there will be no more lies.

Dying a happy girl,
her life going to unfurl.

All the shatter times,
all the hating rhymes.
They will not be gone,
so lets wait till  dawn.

 

TOMMOROW

If another day
Ends without me
And I am not present with you
When the sun will come up
And you will stream tears of blue

I would plead as much
For you to not weep
Think of the happier things
So that you may be in a peaceful sleep

I understand how much you love me
As much as I do you
And with time and time you dream of me
While crying tears of blue

But as I run to escape
A tear from me, a sorrow
For my whole life was a beautiful song
But I will not be here tomorrow

Yet so much to live for
So much you can do
Nothing is impossible
Because I will always love you

Thinking of all the yesterdays
The has-been, the days
When we had the bad and good ones
And we were happy anyways

If I were allowed to relive a time
Just even for a moment
I’d walk right past the place we met
So that I would have never crossed your mind

Now, I can fully see
Now I can realize
That this can never be
For all of the tears in your eyes

And amongst all of the worthy people
Worthy of your presence
I know now what my job is
And that’s to not be with you forever

But I will enter another life
Maybe one with a little light
Hopefully one that will make me smile
Thinking of you every night

And I will profess, “This is truly a great place.”
When I enter the light
Comes into my heart
And appear a smile upon my face

I cannot promise another day
Despite all of the sorrows
I apologize for the tears
And not being there another tomorrow

You, such a faithful soul
So lovely and sweet
I know now what you have
And it is me you no longer need

I will be forgiven
Sometime in the future
But I am just glad to proudly say
At least I knew you

If another day
Ends without me
And I am not present with you
When the sun will come up just remember
That I will always love you

And Cherish love when you find it tommorow for it was never ment to be forever

 

 

ARE YOU THERE GOD?

Drowning in my misery
this life is hell it seems to me
and I don’t think I can fight this anymore
Tears of hate of broken hearts
scars from memories they haunt
my existence I plea

God save me
Please
Save me
I don’t wanna feel this anymore
God save me
Please
Save me
I can’t handle myself anymore
please settle my score

Fighting back the whines of sin
regret my past unthankfulness
I don’t want to do this anymore
Scabs from cuts inflicted time
watch the blood drip down my spine
I won’t handle this life anymore

God save me
Please
Save me
I don’t wanna feel this anymore
God save me
please
save me
I can’t handle myself anymore
Please settle my score

Take a knife and scratch my surface
break the skin and see the blackness
it’d be painful I if I could feel it
feeling-less numbness darkness
resides within
break the devil from my existence

God save me
please
can you hear me

God save me
please
Save me
I don’t wanna feel this anymore
God save me
Please
Save me
I can’t handle myself anymore
end this pain

🙏🙏🙏

GONE

I am gone.
I’m so far gone you wouldn’t even know
So far gone I won’t even show.
I’m so far gone and there’s no way out
so far gone I just want to shout.
I’m so far gone you could never hear me scream
So far gone you wouldn’t hear a thing.
I’m too far gone I try and let you see.
So far gone you wouldn’t notice me.
I’m so far gone drowning in quick sand.
So far gone there is no helping hand.
I’m too far gone you can’t help me.
So far gone I tried, begged on one knee.
I wish you could understand how much pain one could withstand.

I try to be brave yet I have drowned,
I’m in so deep to deep for you to notice,
to deep for you to care I’m gone now nothings left.
I should only hope you learn,
it was never your fault.
The depression cut me
to deep for you see to deep for you too feel.
The Pain is bigger then me,
I tried to fight. I am sorry

I am just gone now.

 

SUCIDAL TENDENCIES

I’ve lost hope lost my faith I got none left
I only hope that when tomorrow comes it’ll bring death

There’s no love in my life no love in my household
This act is starting to get real old

Man its so cold when you in bed alone
Wishing someone was laying next to you, but there is none

There’s nobody there nothing but darkness
No one to touch, hug, or kiss

If you cant look forward to tomorrow what’s the point of today
I want to leave this earth, but something making me stay

Some kind of force is keeping from leaving this earth
The angel of death has been breathing down my neck since birth

and these voices in my head are getting to loud to ignore
What did I do lord? why you gotta do this for

Why cant you jus let me be leave me in peace
All this hatred and sorrow is turning me into a beast

I hate what I’ve become, did god save me as a child?
Or was that the devil the one that answered when I dialed

For a prayer as I laid in the hospital bed
Why did I survive sometimes I wish I had died instead

Of surviving it why did I live why didn’t I pass on to the next life why
Do I go to bed every night with my pillow and cry?

The pain is getting too much to bear
I just wish someone would care

 

GLINDE WITH THE WINDS OF TIME

Depression, my friend and yet you are my foe.
You hold my hand through my tortuous times
And sail with me through the wings of birds
And the smell of leaves.
You have known me for a long time and I understand your ways.
Through the blackness you walk by my side, holding my hand
And sleep with me on the coldest and blackest of nights.

Depression, I know you will never leave my side,
But many times I wish you would let go of my hand,
Release me and let me be.
To allow me to achieve my own personal goals.
To allow me to let go of the past
And to enable me to footprint the steps
To move forward with enthusiasm and joy.
We have known each other for a long time,
And you have been there by my side,
But I can no longer fill my heart with happiness
And plans for happier moments to return.

Depression, you are the deepest part of my soul, of my whole being,
And I don’t know how to release you from enveloping the darkness
And taking away the stars from my heart and my spirit.
I understand you, and know you will never leave me,
But please, release me from this infinite tunnel and spiral
of utter sadness and grief
As you have taken from me my spirit and my joy
And have left me lifeless and a walking corpse,
Breathless and lifeless with no joy and no future.

Depression, I know you will never let me go.
You will haunt me and wrap me tightly within your grasp.
And when I leave this earth, you will depart with me,
And I hope then you will finally release your hold
And allow me to be free, to fly with the birds
And glide with the winds of time.

 

ENDING START

I’ve written everything I have to say
But the words, they rot and fall away
So with a hole in the bottom, I’m stuck in the same boat as before
And slowly sinking just in sight of shore

I work so hard to make my life worse
Sometimes I think I’m better off in the back of a hearse
But I know I could never leave him behind
He’s the one I’ve been searching for all this time

And though he confesses to me all of his love
Selfishly I feel that it is not enough
I know it in my heart, oh my god I swear
There is someone so much better for him out there

I dream about him all day long
Yet when we’re together it all feels wrong
Something isn’t right and I know it’s me
Because you’re a amazing perfect being

I can never just be what and who I am
So much discontent I don’t think anyone understands
I put my feelings into words that rhyme
To give everyone who cares a glimpse of what’s inside

Why must it be that I’m never satisfied
I have all I could want; still I lie awake at night
And wish for more
So much discontent

It’s the end that I wish was near
Just the letdown that I fear

 

PHENOMENAL WOMAN

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.